tGB: Even if I Tried

Life has been incredibly hectic over the last months - with the death of his deputy's mate, Kintsu has had to juggle the responsibilities of both a Silver and a Gold while also training his apprentice, and somehow making room for his own life somewhere in all the chaos. He hasn't seen his sister or Coud since before Cyrus' kits were born. And he and Sylvani have only managed to meet up a couple times, and only briefly. Both times, he'd tried to talk about Coud, to confide in her and ask her what she thought, but in the end, he'd been too afraid of her reaction, and when asked, he'd denied anything being on his mind. But now, he's determined to tell her the truth. He's had a lot of time to think about it, and with things calming down in FT, the time has finally come. He's made his way to Earth-Tribe, a small leafwrap dangling from his jaws, containing a gift he's saved for this moment. Doubt lingers on the outskirts of his consciousness, but he tries to ignore it, remembering his sister's words and holding onto them as tightly as he can.
"If your heart calls for both of them, then perhaps you should listen, instead of tearing yourself up over it. Don't fear love."

Kintsu: Don't fear love. The words echo in his mind as his paws cross the threshold and he pads into Earth-Tribe camp, his single cerulean eye seeking out a pelt he's come to know and love.

Sylvani:  The whole day, she's been clearing out the dirty moss in the miners' den, and she has bits of leaves and moss sticking from her fur as she drags out the last nest by her claws, her pelt tussled and messy; she sinks down on her hindquarters to take a breath, her sides heaving with exhaustion, and then glances around self-consciously at the realization of how scruffy she looked.  For a moment she passed over Kintsu's pelt, but then realized that there was no Earth Triber with that coloration- no Earth Triber, but one particular Fire Triber.  Her heart leapt into her throat and she immediately scrambled to her paws, her eye flying wide. "K...Sun?  Sun!"  blinks rapidly, slowly breaking into a grin- she hadn't seen him in over a month and a half, and she'd begun to worry that he wasn't alright. "W-what are you doing here..?"  Quickly brushes at her fur, trying to detangle some of it and cursing herself for choosing today to clean out the den.

Kintsu: His entire face lights up at the sound of her voice, and he turns, a radiant look passing over him as he quickly pads over to her, dropping the leafwrap and completely ignoring her disheveled appearance, pressing his muzzle against her cheek and nuzzling her fondly. His heart has leapt up into his throat it seems, and for a few moments, he can't find any words. But after a minute or a lifetime, he leans back, eye shining. "I missed you." And he wants to get right to the point, having put it off for so long. "I wanted to talk to you, if you've got the time? There's... So much I need to say."

Sylvani:  Breaks into a purr and can't help but throw her forelegs around his neck, clinging to his warmth and treasuring the scent that she'd missed for so long; mumbling into his fur,  "I was...I was..." leans back when he does and forces a smile  "...I really missed you."  Blinks in surprise and feels a bit of a queasy fear wriggle in her stomach for a moment, but she nods, glancing self-consciously around at the other Earth Tribers watching "Of course.  I always have time for you."  offers him a genuine smile and quickly grabs the moss again, dragging it out backwards and looking sheepishly at Kintsu.

Kintsu: Stumbles backwards a little bit, laughing lightly, looking down at her warmly and reveling in her presence; the feel of her fur, the earthy scent of her pelt and an overwhelming feel of rightness - when she moves backwards, he follows quietly, picking up the leafwrap as he goes, feeling the slight weight of the gem contained within and swallowing a nervously as his heart begins to beat a bit faster. He waits for her to deal with the moss before they go off somewhere to speak in private.

Sylvani:  Drags the moss out- praying the whole while that she doesn't trip- near where the flowers that she likes to trade with other special professions grow, so that it can help fertilize the tiny seeds; after she's scattered it about, she looks at Kintsu apologetically and brushes off her pelt really quickly, clearly embarrassed.  "Sorry.  I, um...you know how apprentices are, never cleaning out the dens like they ought to..." scratches at her upright ear  "...so I just...thought I'd clean out the whole den for once.  Anyway...what was it you wanted to, um, talk about?"

Kintsu: Settles down beside her, for the moment forgoing his reason for being here and purring with a smile. "There's no need to apologize - Fire-Tribe's apprentices are just as bad, believe me." Nudges her, acknowledging her new position, "We'll get them all whipped into shape, I'm sure." smiles brightly, though when she voices her question, it becomes slightly strained. Without realizing, his paw moves to settle over a corner of the wrap at his paws. "I..." Takes a deep breath, and lets it out shakily. "I know I've been distant lately. Not only physically, what with my being so busy but... But the times we met up. I know I was acting oddly, and I'm sorry if I worried you. I've had a lot on my mind and... I wasn't being honest with you, when you asked if there was anything wrong. There's... Nothing wrong, per say, but..." huffs quietly, looking at her. "I just wasn't sure how to bring it up, or what I ought to say."

Sylvani:  Groans teasingly, "Tell me about it!  It's so bad when they're in the mines all day, too- oh, but that's right, you've got to deal with ash instead.  At least you don't find worms in your nest."  Straightens up slightly and then nods at him, her eye growing serious as he talks; she listens for a while and tries to ignore the increase in her pulse, and the absurd flicker of hope that his aloof hinting actually created.  Was he really...?  "It's alright, Kintsu, I...I just wanted to know that you were okay.  I guess I figured that if it was important, you'd...tell me when I needed to know."  shrugs simply and smiles a tiny bit . "It's not like I expect an eloquently prepared speech every time the world tilts a bit on its axis.  Just tell me what's troubling you."  Places her tiny paw over his

Kintsu: Smiles at her reassurance, looking down at their paws briefly before raising his head to meet her gaze again, taking comfort in that familiar shine of aqua looking back at him. "It is important. To me and... Well, I hope, to you. Honestly, I- I've been afraid to talk about it, because I don't know exactly what you'll think of this but... I need to tell the truth, and you... You mean so much to me, and you've never done anything but help me to be happy, to see what life still has to offer. I ought to have confided in you sooner, and I'm sorry for that." takes a breath, laughing nervously. "I've thought about this so much over the past few weeks, and now, I can barely remember where I should begin..."

Sylvani: Looks up at him curiously, blushing faintly but not allowing that to overpower her want to hear him out.  "Go ahead.  I'm listening."  *smiles encouragingly and squeezes his paw, her heart rate sickeningly fast.

Kintsu: Gathers his thoughts for a quiet moment. "...When I lost Nuri... I didn't think I'd ever be able to love anyone again. When I was sitting with her, feeling the warmth flee her pelt for the last time, I thought 'There it goes. There goes my heart.'
"I focused on raising my kittens to help myself through the grief. And when they left for their own Tribes, I turned to my own and poured all my energy into helping Castail lead the cats the Fire-Spirit had entrusted to us. I was so devoted that when the Butterflies came, I didn't have to think; I gave myself to them because I needed to protect my Tribe. There was no question."

I thought, from that moment and onward, that I could simply devote myself to Fire-Tribe, and it would be enough. Love had come and gone, and I was thankful for my chance. I could let others have it, I thought."
He looks at her now, eye clear and steady. "And then I met you. And you woke a fire inside me that I had long thought dead. I've been so happy, and I even dared to think of... The future. Our future".
"But then..." and here he paused, feeling wary despite himself, despite Shibui's words of reassurance wreathing around him like mist, cool and comforting. "Then someone came back to me, someone who I never thought I'd see again. I... I may have told you about him. The Silver-Void, Coud."

"There was... Something between us, when we were younger. I never properly acknowledged it- I was so caught up in my new life in the Tribes, and I had just been made the Yellow, had just begun something with Nuri... It was something that just slipped by. Coud never said anything, of course he wouldn't, not when I was with his sister." Smiles ruefully, the irony of his following words making him wobble internally. "He wouldn't have wanted to come between us, I think."

"When he first came back, I was just so happy to see him. I thought that... What I was feeling was just some warm relief to see my old friend alive and well. But the more I saw him, out and about in the territories, when he was made the Silver-Void... The more I realized that what I was feeling was familiar." he swallows, afraid despite himself to see what her face looks like now, eyeing a spot on her shoulder instead as he talks.

"I was so... Torn. I- I didn't know exactly what I was feeling, or what to do. So I spoke with my sister and... She helped me realize the truth. And the truth is that... I love you, Sylvani. And... I also love Coud."

Sylvani:  Listens curiously, her eye starting to glow as he talks, but before she can get in a word he switches gears and she slowly blinks in surprise- the Silver-Void?  She'd met him briefly...but...why was...?  Sylvani didn't want to think about it, but she had no choice.  Her gaze slowly began to darken and her mouth drooped open in dismay, her heart beat flickering awfully as she had no choice but to listen.  He couldn't...he just couldn't....and then he did.  All of the air simply vanished from her lungs, and she sat very quietly, feeling so small, so confused, so...so... hurt.  She couldn't speak.  She realized that she was clenching her teeth together and that her eye was stinging like it always did before she started to cry, and with the most colossal effort it'd ever taken her, she spoke- one word.  One word, and it still felt as if the world was collapsing inward  "...Oh."

Kintsu: He doesn't want to look, but when that one word is uttered, he feels the flame of hope in his heart sputter and begin to die. Because the weight of that one word fills the air, closing up his lungs and choking him. He doesn't want to believe it, but when he finally does look up at her again, her face tells him everything. And his spirit falls.

He desperately tries to backtrack, to- to save this, to do something to get the smile back on her face. "I was confused too, I didn't know what to think, I thought some cat had flipped me sideways but- but love is so pure, so important and... And surely it can't be wrong that I love you both? That I... That there's enough room in my heart for the both of you."

Sylvani:  Though for several seconds she wants to run away, she at least keeps the dignity to stay where she was and to keep her eye dry; she couldn't understand, he...he...he loved another cat?  He wanted to be with her... and this stranger?  Another Silver?  What...had...what had her love for him even meant?  By the Spirits, she'd trusted her whole heart to him...she'd thought he could love her that way, but not like this.  How could he ever truly love her if he wanted another cat too?  How... slowly forces herself to look at him, fighting to keep her lips from trembling, though the corner of them wobbles ever so slightly  "...How can you...love me...and this cat the same way..?"

Kintsu: His mouth opens and closes several times, his whole world tipping at the absolute devastation written all over Sylvani's face, the desolate tone of her voice. He'd done that. He'd done that to her. "I... I don't fully understand it myself, but Sylv I- I don't love you any less. You have to believe me. I didn't think there would be another chance for me, and now here I am, with two cats that I hold so dearly to my heart. Two cats who are so, so incredible, and important. You make my life so bright, so..." He trails off, panic rising in his gut.

Sylvani:  Takes a deep breath, refusing to cry in front of him now.  She was not going to cry.  She wasn't. "But how..." Searches for words, her brow knotting itself together  "..How...you didn't even..." swallows hard and rubs at her face, sniffing quickly  "..Um...I don't...I don't understand."

Kintsu: He wants so badly to help her understand, to help her see that this wasn't wrong - at least, he hadn't thought so, until she'd looked at him like that. The sight of her face twisted just so... It would haunt him for the rest of his days. "If you... Would it help to meet him? I- I know he'd like you. I know the two of you would get along. You both have such kind hearts, and you're both so incredibly brave and thoughtful. And he's- I told him about us, about how much I... And he's okay with it, he even- he's got another cat in his life too."

Sylvani:  Looks up at Kintsu in shock, her eye pained. "A-and he's...what, he's just fine?  Sharing you and everything?  What does...what does love even mean if you can just...trade off, or, or...or...share it between multiple different cats?  How is any of it special-?"  chokes on her words and falls silent, her gaze distant.

Kintsu: He doesn't know how to explain. He doesn't know what else to say, to make it OK. But he tries, damnit, he will try - he nods swallowing and trying to get his heart to slow down, to keep his limbs from trembling.
"He... Yes, but it's not-" He fumbles, trying to remember Shibui's words. They dance just out of reach in his panicked state but he grabs a hold of them all the same.
"M-my heart is calling out to both of you. And I thought- I couldn't choose, I would never want to. How could I pick between two halves of my whole heart? It's... It's so hard for me to explain, but it's no less special. You're no less special. The way I feel about you, about Coud- the way I felt about Nuri. It's all the same love, and it's so, so important. So wonderful. I want... I don't want to be afraid of it anymore."

Sylvani:  Feels tears spark in her eye and clenches her jaw again till they go away, swallowing hard "...What about this cat is so special?"  looks at him with her nostrils flaring in every effort to stay calm and collected, to keep from dissolving into tears, "Why do...how could you not even warn me...?  I thought you...I always thought you'd love me like I love you...I don't want to be with anyone but you, Kintsu, why can't I...why am I not good enough to be..." closes her eye and falls silent, trembling faintly and rubbing at the corners of her eyelids.

Kintsu: He doesn't know what to say to that, what he could say that wouldn't hurt her more. So he moves on to the words that follow. "I- I meant to tell you, I tried to but- I was afraid of what you'd say, I needed more time to figure it out for myself..."

His throat closes up, and he stutters forward, twitching. "I do love you!" He says it fiercely, honestly. "I love you so much Sylv, with my..." and he trails off then, realizing that as strongly as he feels... What he was about to say isn't true... is it? And... Is that wrong? He hadn't thought so but now, now he's not sure. Doubt fills his heart, mixing with the panic and making him want to retch. This is... This wasn't how it was supposed to be. His eye seeks out the leaf wrap, tears stinging his vision at the sight of the package, something that had just this morning filled him with so much hope and excitement. Now... It weighs more heavily on his shoulders than any stone ever could.

"You are good enough." he moans, scrunching his eye shut, fighting the anguish slicing at him like a thousand claws. "You're more than enough."

Sylvani:  Slowly pins back her ear, watching his expression, the pit in her stomach opening further as it changed- she saw it.  She saw what he was thinking, that it wasn't true, that he didn't love her with his whole heart- that he didn't love her completely.  She realized faintly that she was shaking worse, now, and she dug her claws into the ground, tasting acid at the back of her throat as her vision swam; she couldn't...not here.  She snatched shallow breaths and felt a single tear trace down her cheek before she quickly brushed it away, rubbing at her eyes so fiercely that her eyelids burned in pain, whispering past her paws.  "...I'm not.... You know I'm not."

Kintsu: Shakes his head back and forth, barely able to speak past the pain filling his whole being. He pushes the doubt down, he knows, he knows his heart can't be wrong. Not after all this, not after everything he's been through. "You are. You are worth so much, so much more than you could possibly imagine. And I do love you. With everything that I am, I love you. And just because- just because I love Coud that way too doesn't make it any less true, any less genuine."

The tear that trickles down her cheek burns in his vision, and acid crawls up his throat in response. "Please... Please don't cry. This isn't... I didn't want to hurt you."

Sylvani:  Feels the absurd urge to cry even more when he asks her not to, and she presses her paws against her eyes, trembling all over. "But if I...don't want this, too?  What if I just want to love you and..." swallows down a sob, opening her eye and looking at him in anguish. "What if I just want to be your one and only?"  feels her sides heaving as she tries to keep breathing the same. "Are you going to leave me...?"

Kintsu: There is nothing but the misery now. Misery that he'd brought on, that his words, that his cursed heart had given life to. He feels it for himself, and he sees it in Sylvani, in the quaking of her frame, the tears that threaten to spill over, that she so bravely fights off as he sits there watching, wanting so horribly to reach out to her, but doubting himself, wondering if it would even be a comfort for her now, or if it would only cause her more pain

Her final whispered words make him freeze all over, and in a hoarse voice, he breathes, "Please... Please don't make me choose."

Sylvani:  Feels her jaw hanging open with no words to give, her gaze hollow and her paws wrapped around her sides as if that can hold her together, whispering so softly that the words can barely be heard at all.  "I can't...."  Slowly shakes her head, and then swallows, begging him desperately in a choked undertone.  "Please don't leave me....please don't...."

Kintsu: He feels empty, and yet, that tiny ball of hope isn't gone, not yet. The flame flickers on weakly, and he thinks, prays, that something he might say could spark a change in her. Because the alternative... He'd never even considered it, but now- now it seems more and more to be what must transpire. And he hates it.
"Sylv... I can't... I love you both. There's... There's enough of me for you and for Coud. There's more than enough." His voice breaks at the end, because it's true. He feels... As though his heart were a wellspring, flowing forever and never-ending.

Sylvani:  Feels her eye burning, clouding with hurt. "So you've...told him everything, then?"  her whiskers tremble with the force of keeping herself calm and focused.

Kintsu: The words surprise him, and confuse him. "What?"

Sylvani:  Swallows hard, feeling betrayed. "You keep saying he understands, and bringing him up.  So you already talked to him?"

Kintsu: "I... We spoke of what is between us. We acknowledged it, and he does understand because... He has someone else too."

Sylvani:  Is silent for a long time, unable to trust herself to speak, and when she does it comes out tight and half-broken off. "And he still wants to be your mate too?  Knowing about...about me?"

Kintsu: The real fear has made itself known now as he gazes at her- the unfamiliar flicker of emotion on her face, her voice that sounds so... so wrong. His voice is quiet. "...Yes. We didn't speak of that, not in so many words but- he wants to be with me. And... I with him."

Sylvani:  Is silent now, her shoulders angled towards her torso as if she wants more than anything to disappear, her lips pressed together and body shaking.

Kintsu: He eyes her warily, wondering what's going through her head now. The flame is still not dead, but he wonders how long it might last now "What... What are you thinking?"

Sylvani:  Whispers so quietly that even she can barely hear herself. "Selfish things."

Kintsu: His face falls - slowly, hesitantly, he reaches out with on paw, placing it down in front of himself like the first night they met, not knowing exactly what he's reaching for now... Wondering if it's even in reach now.

Sylvani:  Looks at him miserably, staring at his paw and then back at him, wondering as bile rises in her throat if he does this with Coud, now. "...I don't understand...."

Kintsu: He waits, gazing at her. He waits. But when she doesn't reach back, he knows.
And in stark contrast to the way it first woke in his chest, the flame abruptly burns out.
Slowly, he draws the outstretched paw back, holding it close to his heart, as if protecting it from further hurt, feeling, feeling... He doesn't know what. Guilt and shame churns in his gut, that much he knows, but beyond that, he can't...

Sylvani: Feels her throat almost close in panic when he shifts away, reaching out without realizing it.  "Please don't leave me..."

Kintsu: His voice is low and hollow. "I don't want to."

Sylvani: Stares at him with tears in her eye  "...I don't know...how to do this.."

Kintsu: He scrunches his eyes shut, flattening his ears. "And I don't want to choose. I... I can't."

Sylvani: Chokes out,  "And what if I ask you to?  You'd choose him?"

Kintsu: He's dead silent for a long time - and then, desolation aching in every word, he says, "No... I wouldn't."

Sylvani:  Looks at him, knowing that there's something wrong by his tone; stares at her paws and whispers to herself  "...There's no way out of this..."

Kintsu: "I told you... I can't."

Sylvani:  Looks at him with her gaze destroyed.  "And he...he won't...back down either..?"

Kintsu: He barks out a laugh, but there is no humour there. "No I... I imagine he would, if only to keep me happy. But I wouldn't be." Not without you both.

Sylvani: Sylvani:  Whispers,  "So I'm not enough."

Kintsu: "...Would you be happy if I stayed with you, knowing that I'm in love with someone else too?"

Sylvani:  "Do you want me to be honest...?"  Swallows hard,  "Yes."

Kintsu: He looks back at her, crestfallen. "You want me to let him go."

Sylvani:  Works her jaw slightly, her gaze entirely torn.  "No...I don't want you to let Nuri go.  But I don't want to have to share being your...being your mate..."  Closes her eye.  "..If we ever had kits...I couldn't share my own children with him."

Kintsu: Softly, "They would be ours."

Sylvani:  Stares at her paws...  "Then I guess I don't understand...what you want..."

Kintsu: "I wanted you. And him. I just... I wanted to love."

Sylvani:  Looks so confused and torn  "...Then what.."

Kintsu: "But if you... If you really can't accept it... If you want me to choose...?" He eyes his paws, his words tilted
slightly in question

Sylvani:  Shakes her head slowly, burying her face in her paws, "Would I have to be one of your two mates?  How could you handle us both...?  How could you justify the time..."  stares up at him with hollow eyes  "..You left me in the dark for half a season."

Kintsu: His words are laced with hurt at her implications. "I would fight to make it work. Because you are worth that. I wouldn't 'handle' either of you, I would love you. I would treasure you both as a mate should." 
His mouth opens slightly at what follows,  "I... I should have told you sooner. I know that now. But I can't... I can't change that. I can only try and atone for that mistake now."

Sylvani:  Shoulders slump, and she can't find any words, not wanting to let him go and yet unable to imagine simply being one of his mates.

Kintsu: He sees the disappointment in the curve of her back, in the twist of ugly hurt on her face. It's worse than he could ever begin to describe, and he looks away, his heart lurching. "I'm sorry."

Sylvani:  Flinches at his words, feeling tears spill over her lower eyelid  "I don't know what you want from me."

Kintsu: Shakes his head, guilt, hurt and sorrow a potent mix in the pit of his stomach. "No more than I have already
asked. I... I can see that now."

Sylvani:  Wipes repeatedly at her eyes, only making it worse.  "I just...I just wanted you...I only wanted to be yours...."

Kintsu: His voice is strained. "And I you. But I... I can't give you what you really want. You want me to push away my feelings for Coud, ignore them for the sake of your love. And I can't." A tear slips down his cheek without him realizing. "I can't..."

Sylvani:  Bursts into tears and curls over.  "Please ...."

Kintsu: He feels as though his heart is tearing into pieces, as if some horrid beast is shredding it to bits as he sits there across from Sylvani, watching a part of his soul shrivel and die as she sobs into the earth below - the tears are silent but they don't stop as he speaks. "And I won't push away the feelings I have for you, just to be with him. I wouldn't do that to him, to you... Or to myself."

Sylvani:  Tries to respond to him and realizes that she can't; her throat is closed and her sides keep heaving, her forehead pressed to the ground.

Kintsu: "And that leaves me... Here..." -After a short pause, he steps forward and crouches down in front of her trembling form, pressing his forehead against hers and whispering fiercely, "I would have loved you 'til the end of my days. But I see now that... I am not what you need. I can't give you what you want." he fights through the devastation choking him to go on, "I'm not sorry for having loved you. I wouldn't change a single moment. But I am sorry for the pain I've put you through. What I'm putting you through right now."
"And if I could..." he swallows, a strangled noise escaping him despite his best efforts to contain it... "But I can't. I can't change who I am... Even if I tried."

"One day..." he tilts his head up from the ground, seeking out that beautiful mix of blue and green, so similar to one he'd known, and yet so different at the same time. "...I hope you find someone who can do what I couldn't."
He lingers there for as long as he dares to, but eventually, agonizingly, he pulls away from her and stands. He retrieves the wrap he'd brought with him, the small gift inside a hollow reminder of everything he was losing- what he'd already lost. And still, he stays for a moment, the scattered pieces of his cursed heart drifting away in a soft, summer breeze as he watches Sylvani, wishing with all his might that this was a dream... A nightmare from which he'd wake from at any moment.
But he wasn't sleeping.

Sylvani:  Growls into the ground after he's already turned away from her.  "Don't lie..." silently slams her forehead against the earth as if that can somehow make it stop hurting, "Please don't do this..."  chokes back a sob  "Please..."

Kintsu: His chest heaves as he turns away from her, repeating, "I don't want to..."

Sylvani:  Tries to grab at his paws and, of course, fails, tears streaking her face as her cheek rests against the ground, her eye clouding over

Kintsu: He whips his head back around in one last stand, his single eye pleading, begging for understanding, for a change of heart. Anything to negate the heartache that they will all feel, the heartbreak that will come of this.
But he knows, deep down, despite all his hopes, that it won't happen.
So he whispers around the wrap hanging from his jaws, throat tight, "I can't change anymore than you can."

Sylvani:  Forces the words out past the lump in her throat, "Then what...are we supposed...to do..."

Kintsu: He stares down at his paws, words he'd spoken moons ago returning to his lips unbidden, only now... They are like shards of metal in his mouth. "...We let go."

Sylvani:  Stares at him for a long time before her face crumples."Get out of my territory."

Kintsu: He says nothing in return. There's nothing more to be said anyway. And at the very least... He can do this one last thing for her. He casts her one last look, one filled with regret, love, and longing... Before he turns, the gem a heavy weight on his heart, and slowly traces his eariler pawsteps back into the depths of Pheasant Woods. And as he walks...

'How do you pick up the pieces of your life, knowing that you'll never get all of them back?  That, for however hard you try, there will always be bits of you that belong to them? ...But you find yourself again, however long it might take.  And you find...that the pieces you lost are replaced by new ones...and you're better for it.  You never forget.  You just...remember.'

He remembers.